Signs

A few days ago I bought tickets to see "Twilight" screen at the Castro Theater with live hilarious commentary by Doug Benson, Greg Behrendt, Michael Ian Black, Zach Galifianakis, & Patton Oswalt. When I mentioned it to my mom, she said she was proud of me for going alone. I hadn't really thought of being publicly alone as something especially brave. I just wanted a good laugh at the end of a long week.

And, as I may or may not have mentioned here in my sporadic posts, I do most things alone out here. In some ways it makes me feel very independent. In some ways it makes me feel a little odd. But having fun alone is not really something I use to define a person as brave.

Today, though... Yeah, it was too much. I cabbed over to the Castro, & the line out the theater was wrapped around the entire fucking building. It was completely bonkers. But I stood in the will call line nonetheless, listening to girls on the phone, voicing their displeasure with the length of the wait all too loudly. It was a mass gathering of people making the same joke over and over about being confused about which will call line was the right line.

Maybe I was just in the wrong mood. I usually love being out and about in the city, people-watching. But after this past week, I think today I was meant to be a house cat. 

Still, I went inside the theater & looked for a seat. It was completely packed, roaring loud, barely lit. I resorted to checking the balcony for seats. I asked one woman if the seat beside her was taken. She said it was empty but it was broken. She kept talking to me, making some joke about the seat, but... I think it was at that point that I decided to bail. 

One thing I've been really struggling with this month in San Francisco is loneliness. For the first few months after I moved out here, it was really good to be alone. I needed to clear my head. I needed to move away from the past. I needed to get out of the familiar. 
But to quote the eternal wisdom of the Spice Girls: "Too much of something is bad enough... and too much of nothing is just as tough." 
Ever since the beginning of 2013, I've found myself wishing I just had friends out here to blow off steam with... people here to remind me that a bad day can get better. I've gotten pretty good at picking myself up when I'm low, but that doesn't change the fact that having compadres out here would be a welcome support beam.

Part of the reason why I just put my notice in at my job is that I have no social life out here. I work full time & have an hour commute home. I barely get any writing done, let alone engage in activities where I could actually meet people or interact with non-family members. 

I spoke briefly with one of my co-workers about this. She told me that it's not unusual in our line of work to lose a social life completely. The main difference between her & me, though, is that she's actually working toward a career that she wants. Me? I don't want to be administrative assistant for the rest of my life. I don't mind doing it, but not at the expense of creative endeavors. I didn't move out here just to lose myself the same way I did in Texas.

So, I was standing in the Castro, waiting for my bus in the cold. The sunset was actually really beautiful. The bittersweet part - the reason I'm not really complaining here - is that I do live in a majestically beautiful city. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm completely getting this wrong. That I'm repeating the same mistakes over and over. Moving in circles instead of moving forward. I felt like Joel in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," without the comfort of knowing my general confusion is the direct result of recently having my memory erased.

I ditched work today. Took a train out to Montauk. I don't know why. I'm not an impulsive person. I guess I just woke up in a funk this morning. It's goddamned freezing on this beach. Montauk in February. Brilliant, Joel. 

Haight Street was just as packed with people at the Castro area had been, but at least it's very close to home. I walked into the Booksmith (which is no Half Price Books, but it's my go-to bookstore out here). To me, bookstores have the calming, comforting effect of churches or yoga studios. Just being in there grounded me.

While browsing, I came across a book called Everything Is Its Own Reward by Paul Madonna. Apparently he's this cartoonist for the San Francisco Chronicle, and from what I can tell, his work is really remarkable. Being that I just blew a chunk of change on a movie event I didn't even sit through this weekend, I felt compelled to put the book back on the shelf after seeing that it costs nearly $30.00. That's SF for you.
Still... His images of San Francisco paired with the simple poetry on the pages... I don't know. I guess I saw my own San Francisco experience on those pages.
Actually, I may fork over the cash and grab that book for myself after all. Writing about it is talking me into it.

When I got home, I finished the movie I had started this morning: "Jeff, Who Lives at Home." I'd never heard of this movie before today, and I just sort of selected it on Netflix at random. I didn't even read the description.
I liked it well enough. It's not a particularly exceptional movie. But it was the right movie for me to see today of all days.

It got me thinking about my own "Kevin." Since the move to SF, Prince has come up over and over in my life. Prince is everywhere. Prince's song showed up on a license plate right in front of me. Prince came up when I went to see Amanda Palmer at the Fillmore. Prince showed up on a carousel horse on my way to work. Prince came out with a new song recently. Prince Prince Prince. What does it mean? I don't know. Haven't the foggiest.

There were also some very strange coincidences with James Blake this past week.

All of my synchronous occurrences appear to be music-related.

I've been having really vivid, sort of haunting dreams, too, about real people and real situations.

Oh! Also - Come to think of it, the other day I watched "I Heart Huckabees," which is of course along those same lines of signs & coincidences & synchronicity. I'm definitely somewhere between the reluctant belief in "universal interconnectivity" and Caterine Vauban's resolve into chaotic meaninglessness.

To sum it up - I guess I'm experiencing some growing pains. I at least feel that I'm getting back on track, slowly but surely.

Hopefully by the end of next month I'll have some very good news.

xoxo - Amanda Rachel

The Zen of Sports

from December 9, 2012
 
I had a bit of a wake-up call yesterday. 
I needed something new. Something different. Something small to shake up the routine.

I put on my running shoes & headed out into a very chilly morning. After about the three-minute sprint it took for me to get out of the familiarity of my neighborhood, I was compelled to slow down and start walking. Taking the MUNI is a great way to see more of the city, but I realized today how much I have been missing.

My earbud headphones crapped out on me a month ago, and there's no use in trying to keep my big, clunky headphones on while I run. The concept of jogging without music is new to me. I never understood how people got through treadmill sessions without music to make it less awful. 

But the thing is, to me, treadmills are awful. Tracks are awful. They're awfully boring. Even walking the same beautiful, tree-lined trails with the dog every day got to be boring.

Jogging/walking for the sake of exploring was what turned my little 20-minute plan into an hour-long adventure.

Being alone with myself was exactly what I needed. I love music, and I try to listen to as much of it as I possibly can on any given day. Nevertheless, sometimes I need to not have other peoples' great poetry in my head. Especially when I'm ugly and sweaty and people in cars are gawking.

On foot, I didn't actually end up very far from home. But it was the best thing I could have done for myself. 

Julia Cameron talks some in The Artist's Way about the zen of sports. She says, "The goal is to connect to a world outside of us, to lose the obsessive self-focus of self-exploration and, simply, explore... Exercise teaches the rewards of process. It teaches the sense of satisfaction over small tasks well done."

A lot of this is taught through yoga as well - The idea that moving through yoga poses teaches a person how to endure uncomfortable or difficult situations in life off the mat. 

More from Julia: "We learn by going where we have to go. Exercise is often the going that moves us from stagnation to inspiration, from problem to solution, from self-pity to self-respect. We do learn by going. We learn we are stronger than we thought. We learn to look at things with new perspective. We learn to solve our problems by tapping our own inner resources and listening for inspiration, not only from others but from ourselves. Seemingly without effort, our answers come while we swim or stride or ride or run."

xoxo - Amanda Rachel
December 9, 2012

Letting Off the Happiness SAN FRANCISCO

I just had to share this because it was relevant to the last post... I had gone into Amoeba on the 10th of November, and I spotted this:

 Bam! There you have it. Thanks, Amoeba.

But while we're on topic, I feel like I would happily, hipsterly hang out in Amoeba much more often if it wasn't so starkly gray in there. Atmosphere is everything, and they just aren't working with what they've got. They also play really shitty music, really loudly. And it's every time I've been in there, except when Amanda Palmer was physically in there, playing good music. So there's a little slice of opinion pie for ya.

xoxo - Amanda Rachel

Letting Off the Happiness

I rediscovered my love for Bright Eyes' album Letting Off the Happiness. The song "Loose Leaves," which has always been one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, popped into my shuffle on Wednesday. I was surprised to find that I was hearing it in a completely new way  now that I'm older and at a much different point in my life. So I started listening to the whole album, and it was like hearing it for the first time. I was ecstatic. It's very cool to see how an album can evolve over the years, as though it had a life of its own.

I have a friend who told me she didn't understand my  love of Bright Eyes. And I get why it's not for everybody. His early albums don't have the most beautifully delivered vocals, and that can be a deal-breaker for people who aren't instantly in love with his lyrics.
There are some bands that make music that seems to perfectly reflect your insides. Bright Eyes is one of those for me. (Granted, I'm particularly attached to this band because in high school, my good friend gave me every Bright Eyes cd there was. So these songs not only transport me to her, but they also link me to that time.) Somewhere in me lives a little drunk Nebraskan boy, so hearing a Bright Eyes album is like hearing my own thoughts sung back at me.

The first time I was ever really struck by the song "Tereza and Tomas" was during my freshman year of college. I was lying on the floor of my friends' dorm room (Bruce Hall, woo!), listening to my headphones, and this song came on. I could envision being surrounded by nothing but gray ocean and gray sky. This picture that my friend Max took really embodies the feel. To me, the song is about letting everything in the past stay in the past. It is one of the most effective songs I've ever heard for relaxation. And the roughly 20 minutes of low humming at the end of the song has the same effect on me as a hotel air conditioner - Knocks me right out.
Anyway, it was a really peaceful feeling, being on the floor of my friends' room while they slept. And early in the morning when I left for class, I remember the campus was still fairly empty and quiet and kind of foggy. It was a really extended, serene experience of the song.

See? That's just how I felt about one song on one album on one night six years ago. Now, that's a good band. Italics for emphasis!
 
xoxo 

Amanda Rachel

8 Months and 1720 Miles Later...

Hello, old friend.  

It's not that I didn't ever think about this blog. Time can escape you very quickly if you never make it a point to do something you want to do. So here I am!

The first six months of this year were to be my last in Texas for the foreseeable future. It was the slowest closing I've ever experienced to a part of my life. 

Especially toward May and June, I made my brain stagnant in order to brace for the move. The idea was to keep from rooting any further into my life in Texas, and so in my head, that period of time ended up feeling like a long drive to the airport where nobody says anything to each other because they know the goodbye is coming. 

Which is not to say that I didn't have long, heartfelt talks with my friends and family. I did. The long, quiet drive simile is more to describe what it was like inside my head. I think I was actively working to numb my brain, and in the process I stopped writing, stopped planning, stopped thinking about anything I really wanted, except moving to California.

And here I am, in San Francisco! As John Mayer might say on his newest and  appropriately-timed album, I am the new Queen of California. Three weeks and two days have passed. It feels like I've been here much longer than that, yet I can't believe it's already mid August.

So what is San Francisco like, you ask?

Oh, you know - beautiful, cold, friendly, peopled, lots of dogs, hilly, foggy, touristy, cool, soulful, hip. 

The trees are much taller and thicker and magical than those in DFW, but that's probably an unfair statement to the DFW trees. The trees in the part of Texas I'm from had mostly just been planted, at best, 30 years ago. They'll be tall and thick and magical one day, too. But. San Francisco trees are just absolutely gorgeous.

 

I have spent most of my time in the Haight area, which is fun for me because one of my best friends is super obsessed with that late '60's culture. It makes walking around Haight kind of a nostalgic experience in a completely different way. 

I also have started taking public transportation by myself for the first time EVER in my life. (Back off, I'm from the suburbs.) Not having a car has been so weird! I feel like I haven't really listened to my music in a long time. But I can't imagine having a car in San Francisco. I have spent upwards of twenty minutes looking for parking for my aunt's car, and I think we've managed to get three parking tickets since I've been here. It's insanity.

Public transportation was probably one of the biggest sources of anxiety when I moved here. I was terrified of getting lost, not having any idea where I was going, being late, being way too early, etc. 

Well. It's not so big of a deal thanks to the iPhone. I can get around, but I still think it's a ridiculously unreliable system. Buses often arrive later than you expect them to. Once, I had been waiting for a bus at night, alone on a street corner, and the bus driver just completely did not stop for me because he "must have not seen" me. Which meant I had to wait another 30 minutes for him to make another round. On a street corner at night!!! Aw hell no. I have never been more afraid of looking like a hooker. I am glad to report that no one drove up and asked, "How much?"

That missed-bus incident actually happened to me after one of my swing dance classes, which I'm taking now. I am loving it. One of the most important things I think a person can do when they make a big life change like this is to find something to do at least once a week to unwind. You have to have some outlet of silliness. And that can be hard, especially if you're like me and you don't know anyone in the city yet. Dancing, particularly swing, has been one of the best ways to laugh for an hour straight. I've danced with kind old men, nervous middle-aged men, and too-cool-for-school guys my age. I've seen women in fancy swing dresses bust a move. It's so freaking cool. I always leave in the best spirits with the added bonus of learning to do something I've always wanted to do!

So. If you're feeling very blah, or if you're feeling very stressed, find a way to get involved with something you've always wanted to do. Don't be nervous. You're not the only person who's ever been out of their element. You'll be glad you did it.

In other news... My friend and her husband visited from Texas last week. They wanted to see EVERYTHING in San Francisco, so I had the opportunity to get out and see a lot more of the city. Sight-seeing buses are fantastic. 

 We made our way to view Alcatraz, of course. ^^^ Gotta do it, just to say you did it.

 Pier 39 was all about the sea lions. Arf arf.

 Also, I want to sail (on somebody else's boat) at some point in my life. I loved Pier 39. If it was a little more quiet, a lot more warm, and a lot less touristy, I would quite like to live there. Maybe. Maybe I should just say it reinforced my love for living very near the ocean.

 We saw the Palace of Fine Arts, which was in what I thought was a pretty strange location. On the other side of the street were residential homes, so somebody's front yard looks out onto this. GOOD FOR THEM.

It was so great to have them visit. One thing I've really learned about moving off somewhere new, especially when you've never done anything like that, is how important it is to have support. Hearing people tell you they're proud of what you're doing and that they're confident you'll be fine can make you feel like everything's really going to be okay, even if it's not. I mean, realistically, no one knows if I'm going to be alright out here professionally and financially. I have my doubts, the more I research Los Angeles. But the thing that has kept me that much more productive and proactive is having a support system of people who I can laugh with and who will tell me I'm putting too much pressure on myself. 

In other news, I started reading Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury in the first couple of weeks that I was here. It turned out to be the most beautifully nostalgic indulgence of a novel. It's probably not the best thing for me to be reading right after I moved away from the place where I grew up, but it's also kind of nice. I recommended it to my mom, who is not enjoying it as much because, as she says, Bradbury's adjectives are actually really long phrases of wordy descriptions. I happen to love it, but I can see how it's not for everyone. Give it a shot if you're a sucker for nostalgia. I am, by golly gee whiz!

Ok! Kiss kiss! Today I go to the DMV to get a California driver's license. Ooo woot!

xoxo

Amanda Rachel

Mixtape for 2011

This is what 2011 sounded like over here. This lists spans all of 2011, in chronological order, more or less. There are some songs that have fallen through the cracks of this list, but this is a long enough list as it is. Enjoy!

"In My Mind" - Amanda Palmer

I remember listening to this song a lot at the beginning of 2011. The lyrics were really relevant to me, realizing I was already done with college and nearly 23... Realizing that I'm not some kid locked in my bedroom, dreaming about when I grow up. I became the grown up at some point. This song is brilliant, and it's exactly what I needed at the beginning of this transitional year.

"Humble Me" - Norah Jones

A lonely little song.

"Throw Me a Rope" - KT Tunstall

This song breaks my heart every time I hear it. 

"Everybody Knows" - John Legend

I just like this groove. This reminds me more of the beginning of 2011.

"Brown Eyed Girl" - Everclear

Everclear and I spent a lot of time together this year. It's hard to pick one specific Everclear song, but I went for this one. 
"I Never Learnt to Share" - James Blake
I distinctly remember the first time I heard this song. For someone with a horrible memory, that's saying something. This song will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. haha I had to take it off my iPod because every time it came on shuffle, I would get chills and it would just completely change my mood. 
"Constant Surprises" - Little Dragon
Specifically, sitting in Main Street Cafe in Grapevine on my break and unexpectedly hearing this play.

"Not In Love" - Crystal Castles (featuring Robert Smith)
In retrospect, if there ever was a sign, this should have been it: Robert Smith of the Cure, who I love, stepping in to shake my shoulders. haha, Oh well. Mistakes can make fun memories.
"Dance Me to the End of Love" - Leonard Cohen / The Civil Wars
Both versions of this song are lovely, and both meant a lot this year.
"Georgia on My Mind" - Billie Holiday
Thank you, Half Price Books in Keller. 
"This Charming Man" - cover by Death Cab for Cutie
Keller
"Adolescents" - Incubus
Keller.
"The Sound of Sunshine" - Michael Franti

This is a song I listened to when I got home from my job in Dallas and went for jogs around my mom's happy little neighborhood, dreaming about summer (before we knew how terribly hot it was going to be).
"A Day at the Races" - Jurassic 5
Mind-blowing.
"Friday" - Rebecca Black
Obviously.
"Satisfied Mind" - Jeff Buckley
I first heard Jeff Buckley's unfinished album Sketches for My Sweetheart the Drunk this spring, and I remember listening to this song in my car as I drove to work a nanny event at Great Wolf Lodge. It came to mean a lot more after Tori died.

"Black Sands" - Bonobo

I remember this from a lot of my drives home from work when I was still living in Keller. It fit beautifully with the view.

"Bixby Canyon Bridge" - Death Cab for Cutie
This song is for Tori.  
"My Little Girl" - Jack Johnson
I found this song very comforting. I always let it play.
"Goodbye" - Eddie Vedder
I mostly listened to this in my car on long drives. It's beautiful, but it's really hard to listen to.

"I'm Alright" - Madeleine Peyroux
I listened to a lot of Madeleine Peyroux this summer. 
"Set Fire to the Rain" - Adele 
Adele belts it the way I wish I could in the shower. haha, This song got me through some stuff.
"Little Bit" - Lykke Li featuring Drake
I must have listened to this song a thousand times. Something about it... It clicked with me.
"Til the World Ends"
for my nights dancing at S4
"Super Bass"
for the new apartment & nights at S4
"Judas"
dancing at S4... running next to Leah @ LA Fitness. "Jew DA!" :)
"Beau Fixe"
a sad little lullaby from when my heart was being messed with 
"Wait" - Alexi Murdoch
There were days when I put this song on repeat. I might have ruined it for myself. haha But, really, it's beautiful.
"Me Llaman Calle" - Manu Chao
"Parliament" - Morzsa Records 
Really beautiful song sung by Justin Spike of Har Herrar & Mount Righteous.
"Jejune Stars" - Bright Eyes

I saw my first famous-person concert ever this year with Karly, thanks to Liz Jackson. It was pretty bomb diggity. This song makes me think of highway-driving at night.
"Call Your Girlfriend" - Robyn
The first song to make me want to treat the treadmill as a dance floor. I have a very lovely memory of dancing in an empty (except for the jazz band unloading their instruments) bar with Jen Muh, Leah, & Erica in Deep Ellum.
"Valerie" Amy Winehouse & Mark Ronson

You wanna dance? This is the jam. This reminds me of getting ready with Karly in our hotel room for the Margarita Ball. And dancing in my car after work.   
"Where Our Destination Lies" - Death Cab for Cutie
Thank you to Karly for putting this on a cd for me. I listened to this the day I drove to the house I grew up in in Plano, and I felt unbelievably more at peace, 
"Stay Young Go Dancing" - Death Cab for Cutie
Thank you to Karly for putting this on a cd for me. This is exactly how I feel just about every time I go out with my friends because I am so nostalgic that I already am imagining looking back on these ridiculous outings with a lot of gushy love.
"These Days" - St. Vincent 
The first time I heard this song, I was waiting for my mom in Main Street Cafe. I was being a bit of a hipster, listening to my iPod while drinking my black coffee out of a big white coffee cup. And then this song came on, and the sunlight was coming in through these old windows... It was magical.

"Mass Destruction" - Faithless

Dave Grohl spoke about this song in Q magazine. And, yes, it's really good.

"Lithium" - Little Roy 

This Nirvana cover is the bomb, and you should check it out. You'll jam.

"Dream a Little Dream" - Louis Armstrong
Haunting and sweet. I really got into Louis Armstrong this year.
"Green Lights" - Aloe Blacc
Talk about a smooth groove of gratitude.


"What Am I Gonna Get (for Chrimbus)" - Tim & Eric
"The Christmas Waltz" - She & Him
I fell in love with this. It fit perfectly with the vibe of this Christmas - calm, content, warm & fuzzy.






Albums of the Year
Adele's 21 
I heard this album playing in every Barnes and Noble, every Starbucks, every everywhere. This album definitely made this year its own.
Jeff Buckley Sketches for My Sweetheart the Drunk
There are some really phenomenal songs on these two cds. Jeff Buckley was incredible.
Jeff Buckley's Live at Sin-é
The big Half Price Books in Dallas definitely became a beloved spot, especially after I stumbled up this treasure. Pick it up. It's a wonderful live cd from a time before Jeff Buckley's fame. 
Foo Fighters' Wasting Light
I first saw a flyer for this album in a Cafe Brazil in Dallas. I love Dave Grohl, so even if this album was really terrible, I'd listen to it. 
Gavin Degraw's Chariot
This album came out forever ago, I know. But I bought it in May, and when Tori died, it was basically the only thing I listened to for a month straight. Well, not the only thing. But when I had to make the drive from my job in Dallas back to Keller 5 days a week for 6 weeks, I pretty much only listened to this. I don't think I could have handled sad indie music then, so Gavin Degraw swooped in and made things not so nuts.
Everclear's Slowmotion Daydream & Songs From an American Movie
I listened to so much Everclear this year. Cowpunk is awesome.
Madeleine Peyroux's Careless Love
She's exactly who I like to listen to on quiet, sunny Saturday mornings. And she makes me crave France.
Radiohead's The Bends & OK Computer
I heard these for the first time ever this year. I have been missing out on a lot by not having these albums earlier. But, better late than never!
Bonobo's Black Sands
I am a huge fan of this album. When I hear the music, I see sunsets over rolling hills in Tarrant County... driving on empty highways... lovely.
St. Vincent's Strange Mercy
This is a newer addition, but I have loved this album so much. It will no doubt spill over into the sound of 2012.






So that's 2011. This year changed me so completely. I have let go of a lot of the weak parts of myself, sometimes by choice and sometimes because I simply had to deal with things out of my control. It was a hard year, but I am very happy to be who I am now. 


Happy New Year!


xoxo
Amanda Rachel

Happy Halloween

BOO!
Jeff Buckley's website posted this today, and my holiday is complete!!!

Happy Halloween!

xoxo

Amanda Rachel